Worst Journalism Ever

Ok what's up. Happy Friday. Still Standing is one of the funniest show ever. Sorry I haven't blogged yet this week. It's been a busy one. Between work, day-drinking at the zoo, and sleeping I haven't had much time for really anything. Bummer.

My missionary friends dedicated to making life better in the Intibucan Highlands of Honduras have sent me a gift. It's coffee. Of course I'm a coffee enthusiast, so I'm about to bore the shit out of you with the next paragraph or two.

This coffee is like no other coffee you can get in the country of America. Unfortunately due to the widespread industry and commercialization of America, it's very difficult to buy products that aren't mass produced and sold for top profit possible. So coffee for example, you can go to Dunkin Donuts, Starbucks, or McDonalds and get a similar product of coffee. But because it is mass produced, laced with preservatives so it will never go bad, and sold worldwide, it will never match the coffee I am drinking now.

The isolation Intibucá means that if a farmer is growing and selling coffee, his life is invested in that product. He is unable to spend money on preservatives and vanilla extract flavorings and high fructose corn syrup. Therefore his coffee is only worth about a dollar per pound.

However, for two weeks after it's harvested and sold, it is quite literally the FRESHEST batch of coffee in the world. Starbucks mass produces it's beans in cedar barrels to enhance flavor for months, then jacked with preservatives. This means Starbucks coffee is never fresh, but never expires. This rain forest coffee is completely opposite. I am drinking the freshest coffee and the world.

Starbucks coffee is often "artificially sweetened" which means it's mixed with high fructose corn syrup. Which is shit. Honduran coffee is naturally sweetened. Which means when they harvest it, some of the cane sugar gets mixed in with the coffee. So when it is brewed, Central American cane sugar (which is the freshest and highest quality sugar in the world) is brewed with it. This naturally making the coffee very smooth.

It's the same reason Coca Cola taste better in Central America than the U.S. In the states and Canada it is made with the countries main crop: corn. In Central America it is made with real ass cane sugar. Most Americans don't even realize the cokes they drink are shittier, less healthy, and inferior to what they make across the rest of the world. And Diet Coke is even worse. Get with the fucking program America.

So this coffee is sitting in my room in a plastic bag that is actually the only mass produced plastic bag in the state of Intibucá. The ones with red and white stripes. And the whole thing smells like rain forest. It's causing my whole room to faintly smell like rain forest. It's actually the cane sugar in it. Cane sugar is a reed type thing that really just smells like dirt. If you look at a picture of a rain forest, and then imagine what it would smell like, it would smell like this bag of coffee. Which is essentially the smell of the most fertile soil in the world, which is trapped in the form of nutrients and sugars grown into the cane sugar.

In other news, I've been watching a shit ton of nature shows on Nat Geo Wild and Animal Planet on my awesome bigass HD television. Actually pause.

Animal planet is fucking retarded. They don't get anything accomplished. Worst journalism ever. Let's look at a few of their top shows... Finding Bigfoot, they point of the show is for them to track down and find Bigfoot. AND THEY NEVER DO. THEY NEVER GET CLOSE. Next show, Whale Wars. It's a bunch of activist out in the south south Pacific fighting the Japs from killing whales. AND THEY NEVER WIN, THEY ALWAYS GET SHOT AT AND HAVE TO TURN BACK. Seriously, with today's media market, Animal Planet should have an uncapped budget for their top shows. And with a bunch of blank checks, I really don't think it's that fucking hard to find Bigfoot or stop the dumbass Japanese from killing whales. We beat the Japanese in WORLD WAR TWO and you're telling me you can't even get them to stop whaling?

Come fucking on. It took and INDEPENDENT film less than a million bucks and like three months to get the Japanese from stop dolphin hunting (The Cove). It was not hard. The Japanese really aren't that clever. But still it's taken Animal Planet FIVE FUCKING SEASONS, and hundreds of millions of dollars and they've gotten absolutely no where. They have a fleet of four state-of-the-art, several million dollar "whale hunting hunter" ships. Four million dollar ships. Five years. Japan is still killing like ten humpback whales a week.

If Animal Planet wasn't just dicking around, and actually wanted to stop the Japanese, they easily could. Instead of buying a new fucking yacht, spend that money on bombs. Israel would happily sell it to them. Then in the middle of the Weddell Sea, blow them out of the water. That will stop the whaling real fast. And it's off the coast of Antarctica. That's international water where laws barely exist and it would take decades for anyone to be prosecuted. And don't even get me started about Finding Bigfoot.

Anyway, I've been watching my nature shows, and I really wanna go back to some pretty forest in the middle of no where and chill and drink with some close friends. No where in America can really touch the rarity and beauty of some place like Madagascar, Honduras, South East Asia, whatever. And none of my friends save Tanner have really seen anything like it. If I can ever afford it I'm flying all my closest pals out to the middle of no where in a tropical forest and we'll just shoot some hoops in a makeshift court, sip on margaritas, rum punches, DVR's and beer while listening to the idle sounds of the rain forest. Then by noon when it's a million degrees we'll go on a hike down some cliff side and find a nice waterfall and take a dip.

By nightfall we could hike back to base camp, drink a little more, then head out to wherever the closest town is. The type of town where there are no nightclubs, the sense of danger at 1:00am doesn't even match Daytona or Panama. In a town where there are no actual nightclubs, the young and beautiful head to the town center and listen to the music of the local bards, similar to Bardstown Road. A party in the remote and dangerous edges of the world when the time is right could perhaps be the sexiest nightlife there is to see.

One of these days, I will spend a Spring week in the rain forest with my closest friends. The week will be spent doing things you can't do in America. Tanner and I have already gotten a taste of what that would be like, but I want more. There are too many unique places in the world to see and experience to sit at home in Kentucky for your whole life going to the same house parties every Friday and Saturday night.

Luckily, and I say this a lot, due to my profession it would be hard to sit at home my whole life. Thank God. Until next time...