X-Games Calculus

Friday! Blog time! How is everyone? Good? Good.

Well, I need to tell you about my experiences with a videogame called MX vs ATV. It all started when my bro Alex and I went to ArenaCross like a month ago and got in the motorbiking spirit. So, I had to order the game MX vs ATV Relfex. That started a week of pure pleasure followed by weeks of torment.

Reflex was the best videogame I have ever played. Yeah. It was that good. I could freestyle, race, do whatever the fuck I wanted. Better yet, I could do it with my bros! It was nothing short of brilliant! Pure fun in the clutch in the saddle of that bike.

Then, when I was drunk, I goofed up big and scratched the disc. Yeah, Reflex was dead, unplayable, gone. In my inebriated state I believe I literally shed a tear. So almost immediately I was back on Amazon.com to buy a new copy of the game. But then I realized, Reflex was old news! Reflex was the 2009 MX vs ATV version, there's an even newer and presumably better version released in 2011 called MX vs ATV Alive. So I decided to get that, surely the more to-date game would be better and more wicked right?

Well it came in the mail the other day, and it is the worst videogame I have ever played. It's that bad. Freestyle? NONE. There is NO freestyle. Like wtf? Just two modes: free ride, and race. That's it. And they're both really really shitty. It seemed like the game developers took Reflex, and went through the source code doing modifications to purposely make the game much much worse. It turns out the dev team or whatever were going out of business while this game was being created, so they completely half-assed it. Then they went out of business. Good.

So within 6 hours of receiving my copy of Alive, I was back on Amazon AGAIN to repurchase Reflex. It'll get here in four days. Yeah, longest four days EVER. I just wanna freestyle.

The more I expose myself to this kinda shit, the more I realize I'm an X-Games kinda guy. I love it, I indulge in it, embrace it; I honestly wish I could participate in it. Unfortunately, I'm too much of a pussy for pain and would rather fly than take huge risks so I can only go nuts in extreme sports on the Xbox and in my dreams.

That's partly the reason I'm stoked for getting this motorcycle. PAUSE.

HOLY SHIT. JUST CHECKED MY DODMERB. IF YOU DONT' KNOW WHAT THAT IS, TEXT ME. ANYWAY, IT WENT THROUGH! I'M GETTING MONEY!!!!!! HAHAH THIS IS EXCELLENT NEWS.

Anyway that's partly the reason I'm stoked for getting this motorcycle. It's my little slice of extreme pleasure--going fast and doing it big. I get thrilled with mastering something dangerous. Flying is a decent example, but it really isn't that dangerous. Skiing is a good example. I go fucking HARD on the slopes. And that's kinda how I'm gonna try to do it up with this motorcycle: keep it safe and calm until I begin to master it, then safely be able to show the fuck off.

But I can still never do it as big as I can on MX Reflex. When I'm tearing up the track on that freestyle, it's just natural to me. It's like I can't go wrong. I feel like Travis Pastrana doing some crazy shit. Which is why it really PMTFO that Alive doesn't have any freestyle. Even if it's just a videogame, think about how sick it is.

You're up in Staples Center. Thousands of screaming fans are wanting to see you go big. Bitches on your left and right are just creaming at the sound of you bike as you crank that Cordova Backflip. And you're just like pow pow pow from jump to jump not giving a fuck. And I mean you try not to wipe out, but it happens to the best of us so as long as you don't get hurt or anything and you're able to get back up and keep stuntin' it's not the end of the world.

Then you got all your bros waiting their turn at a run. And you know they're always trying to out-trick you, because after all it is a competition. But even if you don't win, as long as you get a score you're happy with and you went as big as you possibly could it's all good. Because there's at least one person in that crowd of people who is completely stoked to see you trick as hard as you did. Unless you fucking suck like Jess or Karen. Freestyling hard like that is kinda NOT for pussies. Real nigga's only. Why do you think we do it so much in #808?

I wish the rest of the shit I did in life was like the X-Games. For example I wish calculus exams were like X-Games competitions. I wish my exams were in a massive arena with bitches and thousands of fans who watch me do that calculus like it's no big deal. Of course I've put in a lot of time practicing that calculus so I can show up for the fans at the big exam. And then I get the best scores and try my best not to hurt myself with a papercut or something. I wish there were young, hip announcers for my calculus exams that are commentating my performance entirely in slang...

"Decker, who's actually in section 5 which may be low for his division, said before the exam that he's going to come out strong and hit his best problems early on to get the crowd going. Then after he's accumulated a few big points he can idle it back and play it safe to bring in the A. Let's see how he does. Oh he's going real big on that implicit differentiation! You can tell he's been working on that in the shop just all week--he's not nervous at all. The control he has with the variables is superb, something we're starting to see more of in the calculus events of X-Games."

Then I finish my exam and turn it in and the crowd is going complete hammer. Oh! And they're playing the song Levels while I'm doing this whole thing! It's like my run-song. So yeah the crowd's going apricots as everyone nervously waits for my score. And the announcers take back over...

"A very solid score for Decker Loyd out of Miami Florida! Sitting at a 71 puts him in the top 3 for this event! I'm sure he's happy with that score, and of course that will be curved to... uh, what's that John? a 101%!? Decker Loyd really went big here at X-Games Calculus today, he'll likely take home the Dean's List title in April!"

Yeah and then after the exam I'm like outside Rupp Arena signing autographs and shit and getting pictures with all the fans who absolutely love me. Then ESPN interviews me and they're asking everything like "So Decker you knew this exam was gonna be a pressure cooker, you knew you had some stiff competition that might set a low curve, what were you thinking as you went in on that first problem when you were handed the test?"

And I'd be all like, "Well Cindy I knew what I had gotten myself into, I didn't think too much about the stakes or the risks I just went for it and luckily I was able to get the score I wanted."

And Cindy's like, "Thanks Decker, congratulations. Now back to Aaron in the studio."

Wouldn't that make college so much more fun? Like seriously I would be famous as hell if that's how it worked. I'd also have a lot of money, BUT OH WAIT! I ALREADY HAVE A LOT OF MONEY AHAHAHAHHAHA. Suck it. But yeah I think I'm gonna start using my imagination when I take boring calculus exams in attempt to make them entertaining like the situation I described above.

Well, I need to go drink and free-ride (note: NOT FREESTYLE) and chill with Tom and Slocum and Alex. Sorry for this post being so ridiculous. Until next time...