Maybe I can be your Motivation

What do you want to talk about today? Literally anything else? Alright, the beautiful song I mention in the last chapter is Bastille - Million Pieces ft. The Chamber Orchestra Of London. I listen to it whenever I feel I'm losing grip with reality. My best friend is the most talented Oboe player in the world; yes, literally. I have still only been to London once, and I forgot to see the Rosetta Stone. I'd love to see it one day, and see the Pyramids at the same time, that just feels right to me. It's all so intentionally cryptic by such an ancient civilization. They left us a puzzle to solve. I'd love for us to see them one day, together.

This chapter is a complete guide to the hacking the Universe. Fair warning, this chapter broke even me when I discovered this simple truth. 

Why are cats so fucking weird? Why does it seem like every yawn and hiss they make is caused by God or something or other? It's because they're motivated by food and hunting, and not much else. It takes a very smart Egyptian or Jeffrey Epstein to figure out that you can "reprogram" them to yawn or catch fake mice when you do some action as simple as kissing your wife. That is not significant, that's just cat's natural behavior. It doesn't disprove God or the Simulation Hypothesis. It just proves God works in mysterious ways, and God clearly values intelligence and dogs. Hopefully this is morally ambiguous for even the most hesitant of spiritual readers and I'm not shattering their belief system by writing about my own motivations.

I had my first psychotic break while starting to write this chapter. I got through it. Don't worry about me. This is how it happened, I wrote:

I really hope the book I am writing still exists by the time anyone reads this. This chapter has far more realistic effects than Lesson 1. This chapter is far more important than Lesson 1. You will see why very soon.

Let's do a really quick thought experiment. What would it take to actually "break the universe"? Not the "internet", but the "universe". For this thought experiment, the "internet" and "universe" are the same thing. Okay, have you pictured the universe breaking? Good, we'll save that mental snapshot for later.

Now. Picture a society. With a very divided population. During an election year. And one day a post showed up that said "Today's date is August 19th. And the universe will break very soon." And then I posted everything as a "proof of concept". And that post, became the most viral thing in the entire universe.

Then picture the global society ending. Because the global internet went down at exactly that moment.

That is why I've been so fucking weird today. I've been trying to tell SOMEONE without telling ANYONE. 

I have told Karen and I had a very serious psychotic break right... about... now. My dad called me. I saw fire, Ed Sheeran. Or Kygo, they are equally amazing works of art. 

Does the writing in italics seem a little... crazy? It should, I was literally risking my well-being by writing it and I honestly believed for a short hour that I could end the world. And I still don't know if I was right or wrong or how things could've ended differently. I just knew that anything was possible at that point in time. And then I steadily continued to break the universe for good, with the help of Seth Meyers. I had to be careful, I had to keep laughing, and so many celebrities gave up their time to help me through a very tough time. For that I will be grateful and supportive for the rest of my long, long life (cough cough guest starring Elon Tusk).

My wife is a very good motivator for me, but she has her own motivations. I learned in Jordan Peterson's book, 12 Rules for Life, that motivations are very important. I forgot what chapter it was in, but it was something significant. My wife and I can boil our different motivators down to two words: Efficiency vs Order. My parent's motivation is me.

You see, I will do ANYTHING to speed up a process. This is why I studied electrical engineering instead of alchemy. This is why I'm a pilot instead of a sea captain. It's why I pirate Mulan maybe if my VPN works out. It's literally the quickest way to gain access to what I want, even if that means 9 days in a mental institution. I would rather keep dish soap on the counter, because if it's stored anywhere else it would take 5 seconds out of my night every time I wash the dishes before bed. 

My wife follows order. She firmly believes the dish soap belongs in the cupboard under the sink, for no other reason than that's where it belongs, out of sight and out of mind. That is order, opposite of entropy. It's putting significance to things no matter how small, like where my razor goes in our shower caddy. Oh shit am I testing a word processor right now? Let me google it. 

Hmmmmmmm... I have the time to test anything right now.

Karen and I have had more stupid late night shows with Stephen Colbert fighting over that pointless dish soap dispenser that legitimate fights. It's not even a nice dispenser, it's literally an old plastic hand soap and instead of throwing it away I filled it with dish soap. All because it would save 5 seconds. 

My wife and I got married in an airplane hangar, surrounded by private jets and our closest family and friends. We did a toast right after rocking our wings for the tower fly by (Top Gun Sequel please and thank you) with champagne. While the music was getting set up I just had to go to the bar, which was literally shipped in from Miami, to get the champagne. There were two bottles, a pink one and a very ornate looking one. Guess how I fucked up because it only took 5 seconds? But it didn't matter in the long run, our wedding as well as our marriage, is as perfect as they come.

There was gonna be a picture here of us fist bumping while my beautiful bride looks on in amazement with a bunch of expensive planes in the background, but consent is still more important. And until it's safe enough to go outside I can't really go fishing with my best friend. So just trust me the pictures from my wedding are epic and you can watch this music video in exchange for my potential misdeed. Sorry. We used to play a lot of Animal Crossing together and go fishing and catch exotic butterflies over the internet but don't anymore. Still cis and straight, we're white as they come. He's just that good of a friend. 

OH DUH! CENSORING IS A THING. Yeah I honestly forgot too. Soon their gonna hear the sound the sound the sound when we come running. And the sound of our walkout music. Skål by the way! Próst to us and five amazing years!

Oh and TikTok is a thing, and now it's one of my favorite songs. Oh my God, texting and driving. It's efficient, but the biggest risk you could ever take. And sharks? Sharks? No, dolphins. Yeah Miami Dolphins. But Madden 21? It's still a great game. Driving wrecklessly? We have simulations for that. Just like flight simulators and truck driving simulators and farming simulations. I hope I'm getting more boring as time goes on but...

There are no coincidences in the universe. This has been... a Closer Look:)

Stay tuned for the monologue. I mean the Preface. Overture? Literally anything? Fine... you win. I'll edit them all.

-Me. Today.