"I’m currently writing this because I don’t want to say something I can’t take back and regret later. Decker had barely been home from SERE for 12 hours when his dad told him that his mom’s cancer was back. Right now I’m so upset I don’t know if I should cry or scream - currently doing both.
He was so down and depressed before SERE and came home actually happy. He told me SERE was the perfect reset for him. He finally felt normal again. I’m heartbroken and fuming mad that he couldn’t even enjoy that for A DAY!
I want to ask his dad what the fuck is wrong with him or, if I’m toning it down, ask why he couldn’t let him have just one day at home. They don’t even have any details yet, so why the fuck would they spring this on him right when he gets back.
Today was supposed to be a relaxed movie day. We were so excited to watch Red Sparrow and other movies and Decker would tell me what was and wasn’t realistic, but now he’s driving around alone and I’m here trying to talk myself off the ledge. Seriously, we couldn’t even have one fucking day, what the actual fuck is wrong with his parents. Not even one day. That is so fucking ridiculous.
Who in their right mind thinks, “he’s been tortured and had the worst few weeks of his life, let’s tell him some news that will destroy him”? Seriously. This news destroyed him last time and they know it. He couldn’t have ONE FUCKING DAY. I’m pissed. NOT. EVEN. ONE. FUCKING. DAY. “Oh hey, Karen and Decker have their reunion day to relax together and enjoy him being home. Hmmm, yea, fuck that, let’s crush him.”
Don’t get me wrong, I know they’re not being malicious by any means, but this just seems like a horrible judgement call.
The last time his mom had cancer was the worst time for our marriage. Decker has said before that his biggest regret in life was how he treated me while his mom was sick. That pain was still lingering with him before he left for SERE as he told me one night when he was upset. I wish I was stronger back then and I wish I could’ve helped him more. I’m worried this time that I won’t be strong enough again."
My side:
I'm currently sitting shirtless in the sun, on the pool deck of my Florida home that I worked so hard to attain. I'm listening to the same music that got me through SERE. I'm tanning. I got pale in Washington and we can't have that.
But I'm manically depressed.
There are six Florida condors circling my pool. I love them, like all birds. They are free but endangered; fake nests are erected along I-95 to keep them alive. They are beautiful. So why the fuck am I crying and shaking in a pool lounge looking at them.
It's been on my bucketlist since middle school: trouble in paradise. To be absolutely miserable in a place people go to escape misery. I think it's been checked off one too many times.
So what do I do? I've texted my boss, gotten myself off the schedule, so I'm good right? I'll just sit by the pool and tan until everything is better. Temporary solutions to permanent problems.
Apollo's son, or daughter, is in the pond next to me. I didn't know he had a family. I'm happy for him. I hope no one gets cancer.
My palm trees are still alive. The majesty palm is struggling but I might just replace it. Or should I nurse it to health? These are the questions that now embody my spirit. Unfortunately.
Am I replaceable? Or have I reached the budget point where I'm worth more damaged and flying than not? We shall find out.
My parents didn't ask for cancer. They didn't beg for it to fuck with me. Yet here we are. They told me one day too early for Karen. Was that one day too early for me? I don't think so. There is no day in which that is the right time to disclose that information.
I could've been at SERE, it could've been a week from now. And I would be destroyed. That is the nature of it. Destruction. It takes a lot to destroy a human being. It's easier to kill than destroy, Killing is quick, take out an artery, a blow to the head, suffocation. To destroy is much more involved. You have to figure out what that being latches onto, and slowly and efficiently destroy that. And then a human is alive, and destroyed.
But does that describe me? I'm in Florida while the rest of the country freezes to death. I could be at the beach in five minutes. Who could be so fucked up to which this isn't enough?
Me. I am fucked up. I am destroyed. Universe help me.
I could've been at SERE, it could've been a week from now. And I would be destroyed. That is the nature of it. Destruction. It takes a lot to destroy a human being. It's easier to kill than destroy, Killing is quick, take out an artery, a blow to the head, suffocation. To destroy is much more involved. You have to figure out what that being latches onto, and slowly and efficiently destroy that. And then a human is alive, and destroyed.
But does that describe me? I'm in Florida while the rest of the country freezes to death. I could be at the beach in five minutes. Who could be so fucked up to which this isn't enough?
Me. I am fucked up. I am destroyed. Universe help me.
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