There are no coincidences in the Universe.

Connecticut is a beautiful place. I've actually been there, but only once. It didn't look particularly fascinating but I only drove through "Bridgeport". I've been to New England a total of three times however, and that made me realize something.

The rest of this is purely speculation; I haven't been in the office in months so I've had a lot of time to think quietly to myself. I can literally no longer do that and write a book about my mental health adventures. I have not slept well in almost two months. This has not yet been properly fact-checked. Whether you think this is all made up by me to make a point or not, it'll be on the politicians of this country to decide.

First, I want to get the facts straight. Connecticut is a very pretty whitewashed place. It has all four seasons, although I can't stand three of them and that's why some people choose to live in Florida instead. The autumn tourist season is drawing near, but there's currently a travel ban on the state. The state's name is a portmanteau of Connect and I cut. Too real yet? Read on... I was never read into the rules, and I was able to figure this out independently until my brilliant wife caught on three weeks ago. Then I was involuntarily committed. You do the math on that, I'm too lazy.  

There are no coincidences in the Universe. As far as I can tell, I'm the very first person to think of that quote... in September of 2016. Let's see if I can prove it in exchange for Donald Trump's resignation. Or do we want four more years? Four more years. four more years. 4 mo yrs. Four mo trs. Four i tears. Fourier Transform. 

Who's heard of Pol Pot? He was the leader of the Khmer Rouge. Oh you don't speak French Mr. Trump family? IT MEANS RED. The Khmer Rouge was responsible for torturous atrocities which boggle the mind. They rounded up all the educated people in the country and sent them to Choeung Ek. They were the ones who gave a shit about political parties.

I apologize to anyone who was concerned about my families well-being because I kept getting angry. I get angry sometimes. Sometimes I get sad. Sometimes I write.

Sports are dangerous. Read: child sex trafficking and sweating Duke. Seriously, read about it and watch a Sports Center ad. I'll wait. This is why I think sportscasters have a very difficult job at remaining unbiased. Politicians don't have that luxury. Who fucking knows why I've spent my whole life watching Ancient Aliens and drinking white wine to fall asleep for three years (not before flying, duh). Who else has this problem that I thought was unique to me and the Trump dynasty? Why does it seem like Trump makes decisions based on himself while the housing market seems to be decided by a coin flip? WHY THE FUCK IS MY NEIGHBORHOOD STILL SEGREGATED DONALD DRUMPF?

Why do pilots say "see ya" on the radio, except the one's who despise the tradition? Could it be because it's spelled "CYA"? Who knows, it could be another stupid coincidence. I promised someone on Imgur the answers to all the questions I've raised about my life. So here we go, strap in.

I am very well traveled and good at manipulation. I was able to manipulate my own parents into treating me to a trip to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Whoops. The wind just blew. A total freak coincidence. But due to the rules I've spent a lot of time discovering, I have to change the subject or go to sleep. I'm wide awake right now, so while we wait for the storm to pass in Florida during hurricane season, listen to this beautiful song. My childhood friend is really into music and I love him for it. But if you do, turn the bass all the way up so everyone in your circle knows you're not in duress while reading this. Consent is EXTREMELY important for me, and I'm writing this as fast as I can type. Sorry for typos, no one ever got back to me about editing this book other than Google, a Pixel 5G and T-Mobile.

And we're back. Alive and well. My wife came upstairs to my study to tell me the music was too loud and she's trying to study, so I got out my Bose A20 headset. They're probably the best headset on the market for pilots like me and I got them for free. There are still no coincidences in the Universe.

I was in the middle of telling you my level of education. I have a high school diploma in the one school district that was involved in a Supreme Court case involving busing black kids into the suburbs, and busing rich kids into the ghetto; all to fight segregation. I then went to a university that was famous for one-and-done athletic scholarships; our rival was Louisville and "Duke". I signed up for Mechanical Engineering, in order to raise my chances of getting an Air Force ROTC scholarship. I found metallurgy too boring, and quickly changed my major to Electrical Engineering. EE is arguably the harder degree to get, but for some reason the magic of it left an impression on my mind. I took a 5th year, not because I needed it or anything (that's a total lie for my own ego), but because a victory lap all but ensured my pilot slot due to how the regulations were written. I spent the last year in college polishing off my accomplishments with great undo stress. I also formed a system to mentor younger cadets on raising their chances of becoming pilots along with me. 

I tried to get located at Columbus MS for pilot training, but instead got Laughlin which in my opinion is by far the best base for that. I spent my first phase of training barely studying and failing three checkrides, enabled only by great anxiety. Then we got to the formation flying, the most difficult unless you have talent at flying (we all do, not exaggerating). Formation is when we do loops and flips and shit while 6 to 9 feet away from another airplane. It's a ton of fun.

What else happened in this time, let's see here... scotch, beer, more scotch, more beer, drop nights, "four more years" being chanted at the one unlucky dude every three weeks. It was a blur, but it was entertaining. My wife won Key Spouse of the Year award on February 9th, 2018; which is a date I wrote in her yearbook after dating her only a few weeks (yeah gentlemen, soul mates are real, honesty is real, and powers of attorney are real, the "Best Place" is real; for us at least...) Still no coincidences thus far. 

Let's back up. Other important shit happened in high school. I started journaling in my own unique way: letter's to myself. I found it fascinating I could communicate with my future self. Even if past self was an asshole sometimes, at least he could make future self laugh. I took it to another level when I started this very blog, for no other reason than to countdown to Spring Break, and to give myself plenty of reading material on the flight to Florida (I was born in West Palm Beach. Don't think to hard about that Donnie). My initial motivations to write was to prove I could write better than Maya Angelou during my senior... but within a few weeks it had matured into topics such as why depression rates and alcoholism are so high in Alaska. 

Within a year I was in college, the year of journaling started affecting my decision making. I welcomed my wife into the world of Microsoft Flight Simulator, this may seem selfish but she's just so fucking good with checklist discipline that it did nothing but help me as a professional pilot. By then I was journaling about flying, which led to my ultimate achievement in life, barring nothing else: becoming an Air Force Pilot. Everything would just fall into place after that. Because there are no coincidences in the Universe. 

We got the ultimate flying assignment on drop night, the ultimate training in heavy aircraft (which I'd rather fly than single seat ejection-armed aircraft), the ultimate house and pool in Florida, one amazing work trip after another. That made sense to me, because I try to be nice to people. When our flight to Rio was canceled, I patiently waited in line with my dad to have the American Airlines gate attendant rebook us on another airline. I treated her with respect because it's not her fault my American Airlines stock went up right after I bought it. 

One day in August 2020 however, my unified theory of everything changed. I sounded crazy to everyone in my family, for almost a week and no one stopped me. Then I realized I could predict the future, for two hours. Every random rain shower, every lightning strike to the second, every suggested video on Youtube, every cat yawn... literally I could predict EVERYTHING for two hours. I told my dad that he shared this super power because I just told him he did, I told him we need to grow this sphere of influence slowly and incrementally. But he knew the probability of that was zero, so it didn't take. I still told him my powers would subside at 3:00pm of that day. They did. And that should not be possible. 

Four days later (I think, memory of the following days escapes me for some odd reason), I was involuntarily admitted to a mental hospital. It took nine days to get me out, but I will never sue the hospital because every nurse and patient, some of whom seemed to initially think I was the second coming of Jesus Christ, they were always there for me and treated me with respect. I technically agreed to all of it because I was so sure Donald Trump would call me, and he never did. That would be an absurd prediction that I couldn't manipulate. 

Wanna know the final answer? The one other thing I discovered this year as well as 2016 and all throughout my life? The ONE thing that led me in every lie, every cryptic interaction, every tweet I've ever sent? Does Hillary Clinton or Joe Rogan or Pete Buttigeg or Gov Kasich still want to know? It's super easy to grasp in a few sentences...

"As absurdity approaches infinity, probability of it being real approach zero. The rest just takes time."

"There are no coincidences in the Universe." - me, September 10th, 2016. I really hope we never forget this time. 

Mission Accomplished! Shellstrop OUT! CYA! *Mic drop*. Now you can listen to Starboy to find some of my more frivolous motivations, which is literally every song on the radio right now other than country music. Pigday! Thanks for the free content Seth Meyers and John Oliver! Read the Starfish story, it really does matter.

SSSSSSSSEE-YA!