Why F-35's Are Stupid

F-35's are stupid.

They aren't stupid in the literal sense, it's a very advanced aircraft. Their pilots aren't stupid, they're usually more experienced and higher ranking. The concept of the F-35 isn't necessarily stupid, it's a super stealthy gizmo'd out war machine that will reign supreme if we ever go full-up kinetic with the likes of Russia or China or Iran. No, F-35's are stupid in the way that BMW's trying to cut through traffic to turn left on a busy surface street are stupid. They're stupid in the way that many otherwise intelligent and high-caliber people recurrently make you think that whatever they needed to do could've been accomplished in a way that's much easier for everyone.

I was talking shit about F-35's being stupid a few days ago, canceling for rain, talking on unsecure frequencies with their comms set to secure so no one but Kingpin can hear them, pushing off clearance requests through us at our busiest moments when they're doing nothing, etc. They make a lot of things way more difficult than it needs to be. That is their culture, their reputation. I even wrote about it a little while back. So I thought to myself, maybe I'm spinning myself a yarn of sampling bias. And as I continue to fly with Panthers I'll eventually get to the point where they go a whole flight without making things difficult. I ended up flying my next two flights with 35's, so let's analyze how it went.

First flight: We were the out-gas for a flight of two Panthers. A brother Python, Python 41 would pick them up leaving Dhafra over Abu Dhabi, and drag them into Afghanistan providing the in-gas. We would take off about two hours later, fly all the way to the MOA in Afghanistan, Python 41 would RTB, and we'd drag the Panthers back to Dhafra. Easy enough. So we takeoff out of Doha, get switched to UAE South Control, and on that frequency we start hearing Python 41 talking. That's odd. They're supposed to be in Afghanistan, with two Panthers. Why are they still in UAE?

Well as it turns out, Pantherfuck1 and Pantherfuck2 still hadn't taken off! They were on a two hour ground delay! So Python 41 had taken off on time under the assumption that the Panthers had taken off on time, but they did not and therefore Python 41 is now stuck holding over Abu Dhabi waiting several hours for the Panthers to takeoff. Now, normally when a receiver is delayed for whatever reason, it's considered an operational necessity, as well as the least bit of common courtesy, to contact the tankers and tell us so we can adjust our timing. If they had done that, Python 41 would've just hung out and watched a movie for two hours, and launched to meet the Panthers right as they were taking off. And then Traver and Marcus and I would've gotten two more hours of sleep, would've been alerted two hours later, and taken off on the new timing.

But instead, the Panthers elected to tell no one. So since you can't un-launch a 300,000lb aircraft without dumping gas, we all did something much stupider than just delaying our takeoff's two hours. Python 41 had to hold over Abu Dhabi for two hours, then we took off and held with them for twenty minutes, then all four of us flew to Afghanistan while the Panthers only used one tanker, then we held in Afghanistan for an hour while Python 41 gave them their last AR, Panthers did their mission and then joined on us for the out-gas, then all four us flew back to the Gulf. They literally uprooted the nights of two tanker crews, created 6 hours of unnecessary holding, and had two tankers drag them in and out when they only need one. All because they didn't make a phone call.

Second flight: This time we were the in-gas for the Panthers going to Afghanistan. Same exact flight, we were just in instead of out. This time we called them when we were starting engines to MAKE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING SURE that they were planning to takeoff on time. They were, so we took off and picked them up and dragged them in. The way the fuel plan was set up for this flight was for us to drop them off in the MOA and immediately RTB, because the out-gas would arrive to the MOA within an hour and provide them their mid-mission gas and then they'd drag them out after. When we got to the MOA and cleared them off, they said "Cya in an hour!", which was wrong. We would not be seeing them in an hour because we were going home. But we kind of just rolled our eyes and thought "no, you'll see Python 42 in an hour, read the fucking fuel plan, it's literally strapped to your knee."

So they flew off to wherever to do their mission, and we called Kingpin and requested RTB. "Python 43, negative RTB, we're gonna hold you in the MOA until Python 42 is on station." Okay, fine. They're doing that because they know if we leave and Python 42 never shows up, the Panthers would be diverting. So twenty minutes goes by and we finally hear Python 42 check in on Kingpin and get cleared in, so we requested RTB again. "Standby." Okay cool, they're working it. But then Panther chimed in, "Panther41 62 alpha sierra request direct to Python 43 FL240 AR" and they got cleared to us. But Python 42 was about 20 minutes away, and Panther was about 20 minutes away, so this'll work out and we can just leave and let 42 take over as planned. So we requested RTB again to swap with Python 42, PER THE FUEL PLAN, so we can go home. "Python 42  RTB approved, cleared direct PAROD." Awesome.

But then Panther chimed in again. "Hey we'd like to stick with you for this next AR." Ugh. They're saying that because they don't realize that Python 42 is right fucking there coming from the opposite direction. But whatever, it'll take five minutes to gas him up, and then when his wingman comes for gas a half hour later he'll just go to the other tanker (for the mid-mission gas they come for gas one at a time; it takes a while because lead has to come all the way to us and go all the way back before two can come all the way over for his gas). So we obliged, because we're nice people. Twenty minutes later he shows up and gets on the boom and starts talking on interphone, "hey just for your SA I talked to my wingman, and he's gonna come to you for gas too." At this point Python 42 is literally on top of us. Literally. Same orbit, 1,000ft above.

"Well our kneeboard has Python 42 doing this AR, we were actually supposed to leave a half hour ago."
"Oh. Well I already told him. He should be enroute soon." Ugh. Why? WHY? WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS MAKE IT DIFFICULT!? Is there some F-35 reg I don't know about that cautions against doing things easily!?

So we gas up lead, he leaves. At this point we as a crew decide, "Okay. This is dumb. Let's just get our RTB from Kingpin and leave, and the second Panther will figure it out pretty quickly that he just needs to climb a 1,000ft and he's getting gas from 42." So I call up Kingpin to work the clearance, and whatdoyaknow, Kingpin's comm-out, so we're stuck. We should've just told the first Panther no, shoulda just let him discover for himself that it's easier to just go to 42, shoulda just left when we had the chance. But now were stuck here waiting another 20 minutes for Panther two... while their assigned tanker is flying directly above us doing nothing. Now Python 42 is gonna land 30,000lbs heavy, and our 6.7 hour flight per the fuel plan and Air Tasking Order, has become an 8.2 hour flight. All because Panther wanted to refuel with us for whatever reason instead of the other tanker that flew all the way out there just for them.

The verdict: F-35's are stupid.